“For 30 years this was my dark secret”
Today, I am still trying to understand why I so readily decided to have an abortion. As a college student, I decided I couldn’t have a baby, but I never considered giving my baby for adoption. Why? Fear? Denial? The unwillingness to accept responsibility for my actions? Probably all of those and more. Because I was living in Canada at the time, Canadian healthcare paid for my abortion. It was easy to get, and there was nothing standing in my way to stop me from making the worst decision of my life.
For thirty years, I never told anyone about my abortion. It was my dark secret. Only when my pastor openly addressed the topic in a sermon was I able to take the first steps toward healing and receiving forgiveness from God for the murder of my baby.
Karen, Tamarac, Florida
“I never believed in abortion”
When I found out I was pregnant, I gave myself so many excuses as to why I could not keep the baby. I never believed in abortion. It’s one of the most shameful things you can do in my family. I was 19 and I already had three children: a baby – plus two toddlers to take care of. I wasn’t working. I had issues with my boyfriend at the time, so I ended up moving back in with my mom. I just didn’t know I I was going to make ends meet.
I panicked!! I felt like I was in a desperate situation. I knew the father wouldn’t want the baby because we already had three children and we were already having a difficult time, so we decided to end the pregnancy. He purchased a pill. After I took it, I bled heavily for the next 24 hours. Afterward we thought it was all over. A week or two later I was laying back watching TV and realized that I still looked pregnant! I let him know and he scheduled an appointment at the abortion clinic. I went in and spoke to someone. After that, she put me into a room and the abortionist came in. But he didn’t say one word to me. He showed me a quick view of the sonogram and told me I was 13 weeks pregnant. I saw a fully developed human being with a body, head, hands and feet.
The abortionist quickly gave me a shot to dilate my cervix and the nurse told me to come back tomorrow for the procedure. It was then that I realized I’d made a huge mistake, but I couldn’t take it back. The next day I was grief stricken and have suffered the loss of that child for many years. I just couldn’t forgive myself. There were times I’d be with my children and feel like I had left one behind. I would have nightmares of my baby being killed and I’d remember the images on the sonogram machine. My heart would break! I’ve regretted that decision ever since.
I did end up getting pregnant again. This baby was a blessing we did not deserve. We decided to keep this baby. I remember my oldest daughter asking me if I’d ever had an abortion. I didn’t want to lie to her so I told her yes, I’d had an abortion. She looked at me and tears began pouring down her face. She said I was a murderer and I had killed one of them. She told me she always felt like one of them was missing. How could she know?
Years later, she forgave me but I had to learn to forgive myself. I went through a 12 week post abortion Bible study. After the class, I knew that God had forgiven me and I was finally set free. Once in a while I’ll think about how the aborted child never got the chance to know us, to call us mommy and daddy. We never got the chance to hold him or her. This child never got to know his or her sisters. But I know my child is with Jesus. That is the only thing that brings me great peace.
Kerline, Coral Springs, Florida
“I was in an emotionally abusive relationship"
When I was in my early twenties, I had an abortion. Prior to the procedure, I got counseling from Christian woman, who told me it was wrong. She said there were options available to me and I didn’t have to get the abortion. She shared about her own abortion, and how her relationship with her boyfriend, who became her husband, was never the same. She told me that abortion was going against God. I knew she was right, but I was too deep in my own sin to see God.
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with my boyfriend, who didn’t want the baby. He was just out of college and I was trying to figure out what to do with myself. There was a part of me that did consider that maybe we should keep the baby.
It turned out the woman who counseled me was right. When I had the abortion, a part of me died. There was a void I felt in my heart that only deepened the more I realized I killed my own baby. My boyfriend did not seem affected by the abortion. I could not get passed his indifference or the guilt I felt over what I’d done. Devastated, I ended the relationship. I felt so lost and abandoned that I remember calling out to God for help, even though I did not know who He really was. I now know that He knew who I was and that He heard me.
Looking back, I withdrew and put up walls so that I would never be in that situation again. I hid my abortion and the shame of what I felt from my family for many years. I met a nice man who gave me everything I could ever want and need. At first I attached myself to him, thinking he could fill the void from the loss. As we progressed, the walls I put up would not let him in despite his kindness, love, and care. I did not want to be hurt again. In fact, I was the one doing the hurting as I became the abuser.
Long story short, we got married anyway. Still something was missing, and in time I understood that I needed God in my life but I continued to turn away from Him. From then on, I threw myself into a sinful, godless hole and lost everything – my husband, time with my son, my job, money, my character, my morals, …you name it… I lost it and all because of my foolish, sinful choices.
Despite my wickedness, God pursued me (that’s another story) and blessed me with a son, who is now 9 years old. However, the heart of my testimony is how I now understand that God sacrificed His own son, Jesus Christ. Even while I was still sinning against Him, He died for me. It is because of Jesus, the living God, that I am alive today. He restores my soul daily and has taken His rightful place in the void in my heart.
Apart from Him, I can do nothing. In fact, days before I was asked to give my testimony, the Lord gave me the courage, peace, and freedom to finally tell my mom about the abortion. Whom The Lord sets free is free indeed. Through His word, Jesus has shown me true love, redemption, forgiveness, and healing. It’s not because of anything that I have done, but it’s because of who He is- merciful, gracious, kind, loving, compassionate, perfect, righteous, and Holy, the One true God, the great YHWH, the God Almighty.
God has given me the gift of life through His son Jesus Christ. It’s a sin to end the life of your unborn baby, regardless of how many weeks or months the child is. Children are a gift from The Lord.
Norma Jean, Boca Raton, Florida
“I fell to the ground weeping"
I grew up supporting “a woman’s right to choose”, but I’ve never felt that I myself could have an abortion. I couldn’t explain why. It had nothing to do with my faith – I only began my relationship with Jesus Christ 3.5 years ago. However, I used to visit Planned Parenthood regularly for birth control as well as exams and check-ups. I had a good rapport with the staff at my clinic and a good experience in general. I felt that they supported me and cared about my health and well-being.
I didn’t want to actually have children for years – I think I just liked the idea of children. Nevertheless, it was about two years ago that I found a website in a search for information about religious differences. It was on this same website that I read about various abortion procedures. I was warned beforehand about the graphic detail and chose to proceed. I barely read about the first procedure before I fell to the ground weeping. It felt like every fiber of my body was shaken. I never knew what it all meant. I had been blind and I was beginning to see.
Not long after that, I listened to someone on Moody Radio describe an abortion that they’d witnessed in person. I sat limp in my car at the gas station, crying so hard with my hands on my head, with pain through my whole body. I couldn’t go anywhere until the weeping stopped. This was not just me crying, either – it was God’s Holy Spirit weeping through me, who helped me understand the truth and how He felt about it.
So while I support a woman’s access to information, affordable check-ups and yearly exams, I cannot support abortion at any stage of life now that I know what I know and feel what God feels.
A baby is a baby, a little human being, like you and me. John 8:32 says,”and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.” Thank you for reading.
Sasha, Fort Lauderdale